Never Thought I’d Say That

As parents we all have things that we say to our children that we never thought we would say. Always being one up for a good laugh I started asking around some of my mommy friends what are some of the things you have said to your child that you never thought you would say. Hilarity ensues.

Please stop eating the dog food.

Under no circumstance are you allowed to poop outside again.

Leave your brother’s Woody alone. Stop yanking on your brother’s Woody. (Toy Story toy)

Please pick up your Woody from off the floor before the dog chews on it.

Your sister is not Superman. Put her down.

No you may not push your sister down the stairs.

Get your toe out of your brothers mouth.

24 month old with a bad diaper rash, ‘Mommy I need a new vagina, cause mines broken.’
Mom: ‘I wish it were that easy, your sister broke mine years ago at birth.’

Don’t pee on your brother.

You are not allowed to sword fight with mama’s toys from her dresser.

Stop licking the DVD’s.

Your friends are not allowed to use the bathroom here again.

Please get that out of your vagina. I don’t care what you’re doing with it. Don’t touch your sister’s vagina either.

Your friend is not allowed here anymore if he is going to poop on the floor. (to an 11 year old)

I’m pretty sure I already told you no. I could be wrong. But I’m pretty sure I did.

Dude! Flush the toilet after you poop! Why is that so hard?

Please flush the toilet. No you can not leave it there to show Daddy. Because Daddy doesn’t want to see your poop.

What is wrong with you?

Please don’t answer the door without pants on.

Get the dirty underwear off your head.

Get your feet off Mommy’s laptop now. How many times do I have to tell you, no feet on the computer?

You may NOT pee outside again.

Get your finger out of your butt.

Stop smelling your finger. (yes said that right after the butt comment)

Get the vacuum hose out of your butt.

No we don’t put the pillow over your brother’s face to see if he stops breathing.

Never put chocolate in your nose again!

If the pee goes in your hair, you are aiming too high.

Mom, What’s on my finger? Is it poop or chocolate? (she then licked it to find out).
Mom: ‘If you have to ASK that question, DO NOT LICK YOUR FINGER!’

No, you may not make the baby into a sandwich using cushions from the couch.

Do not lick my face anymore.

You cannot have any more broccoli until you eat your fries.

Stop touching the dogs nipples.

What are you eating? Not it’s not. We don’t have any. That’s not cheese!

And just to prove it doesn’t end when your children grow up:

I was having a sex talk with my son when he was around 20 years old.
Him: you sound a like a condom commercial, Mom.
Me: Yeah, and you are supposed to be ready to buy what I am selling here.

About Rachel

Rachel Akers writes about crafts, recipes, and features the adventures of a family of 4. It is always crazy but I wouldn't change it for the world! Comments or questions? Talk to me on Facebook or Twitter or sign up for our RSS feed to have future articles delivered to your feed reader.