When did Miscarriage Become a Dirty Word?

We are nearing what would have been my due date with sweet baby Mila in October. I have found myself thinking of her more and more this last month.

Then I found out yesterday that one of my good friends had a miscarriage. I am devastated for her. And the worst part is I know exactly how she feels yet there are no words to make it better.

Through our conversations with each other and some other friends I have learned the somehow miscarriage has become a dirty word.

I remember when I had my first miscarriage. I was surprised at the number of women who had also had one. Friends, co-workers, family members. I know more people who have had a miscarriage than I do people who have not.

But the common theme among all these women is that you just don’t talk about it. I didn’t find out it was as common as it was until I had one myself.

One friend shared that when she had her miscarriage her entire family ignored it, like the pregnancy just didn’t even exist.

Is it because we don’t know what to say?

Is it because we don’t want to add to the sadness the mother is feeling?

As a women who has very recently had a miscarriage I can tell you that talking about it helps. If you know someone who has suffered through this, please reach out to them. Listen to them. And above all hug them often.

They did nothing wrong. And even though the baby may not have been viable and able to live outside the womb on its own, it is still a baby and that mother loved it as much as she loves her living children.

Part of the healing comes by being able to be honest and talk about them.

It has been 8 years since my first miscarriage. I should have an 8 year old child with me right now. In the years since, I talk about that baby often. I still don’t know if it was a boy or a girl but the impact that baby left on my life will never be forgotten. And for that, it should be discussed, cried over, thought about and celebrated.

Not pushed to the side like it never happened.

About Rachel

Rachel Akers writes about crafts, recipes, and features the adventures of a family of 4. It is always crazy but I wouldn't change it for the world!
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  1. nicole @nicky_olea says:

    I’m sorry for your loss.
    I didn’t know or think it was a dirty word. Just something people don’t like to discuss because it’s painful like mental illness…or just uncomfortable like menopause, which is dumb of course because it is in the discussing of these things that we can help each other.

    • You are right Nicole. Dirty word was not the right phrasing.

      I guess in some ways it is kind of like postpartum depression, not talked about openly. Which is sad because like you said, the discussion is how we can help each other.

  2. I’m incredibly sorry for your loss! Personally, I haven’t gone through that, but one my sisters lost a child within a few hours after she was born. She would have been a teenager today. :(
    HilLesha recently posted..$10 off $100+ at Unique Vintage

  3. I don’t know but people just avoid the topic like the plague. I think it’s too uncomfortable for other people to talk about miscarriage – regardless if they’ve had one or not. I’m so sorry for your loss. I had one with a baby that was due in June 2011. I think about that baby from time to time and it makes me so sad that it’ll never be a part of my family here on Earth.

  4. *hugs*

  5. (((hugs))))
    RJ recently posted..Interview Saturday: Ana Renee

  6. I’d have a 13 year old if my first pregnancy took. That’s crazy to think about now, really. I’m one of those people, though, who didn’t want to talk about it then. Not because it was dirty, I just wanted to grieve on my own. Not everyone is like me, though, and they should be allowed to talk about it if they need.
    Crystal recently posted..Betty Crocker Cereal Muffin Mix Giveaway

  7. April Decheine says:

    I have never had one but both my sisters have and we do discuss it often. You wrote a great post!
    April Decheine recently posted..Fall 2012 Blogger Media Kit

  8. I completely agree. Someone said something about miscarriage to me once and then started stammering and turning red because they remembered I had one – it was so weird. I don’t understand why no one wants us to talk about it!
    Jenn @therebelchick recently posted..30 Dr Seuss Quotes That Will Change Your Life

  9. while I have not had a miscarriage (though we had a very difficult time getting pregnant) I am fortunate enough to be part of a local online community where many of the women have suffered losses. Fortunately it’s a safe place to talk about it if someone needs to, and there is a ton of support. I wish the rest of the world was like our small community.
    Katie recently posted..Finding Nemo 3D opens September 14!

  10. I’m so sorry, Rachel. I think a lot of the time, people don’t talk about it either because they don’t know what to say or don’t understand that a miscarriage is a real loss, not just a medical thing. It’s sad–a little bit of empathy can go a long way in bringing someone comfort, but so many people can’t even offer that!
    Kiersten @ Oh My Veggies recently posted..What I Ate This Week | The Week I Discovered Paper Bag Popcorn

  11. Sorry for your loss. I have had a miscarriage years ago so I know what it feels like. HUGS!
    Stefani recently posted..Hasbro’s Twister Dance Review + Giveaway

  12. Im sorry for your loss, but amazed by your strength. It’s nice that you and your friend can be there for each other. And of course your online friends are here for you!
    Maggie recently posted..MAM Perfect Pacifiers and Anti-Colic Bottles

  13. I 100% agree that it somehow becomes a dirty word. I think its a mix of people don’t know what to say or how to react, and women feel ashamed. There is no reason at all to feel ashamed but somehow in our society that exists. My condolences to both of you!
    Amy recently posted..Introducing Ubokia

  14. I also have had a miscarriage and know what you mean. I felt so much better talking about it. I hope other women will open up and share. I still think about my miscarriage even though I got pregnant again the next month.
    Kathy recently posted..Back to School with Mabel’s Labels

  15. I am so sorry for your loss & hers. I haven’t experienced a miscarriage, but I fully agree with what you said in that the baby that was miscarried should never be ignored. <3 {Hugs}
    Shell Fruscione recently posted..Eat Your Greens to Give Some Green with Whole Foods!

  16. I agree, it’s like it’s taboo to discuss. I don’t know if it’s because people have the attitude that it isn’t a baby until it’s born, or because people can’t face the pain of loss in others, but it’s wrong. It’s one of the most devastating things I’ve been through.
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  17. I’m so sorry for your lose.
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  1. […] here they are. My good friend Rachel wrote 2 blog posts on her blog about her miscarriage and how miscarriage is apparently a dirty word. Another friend Nicole wrote on her blog about her miscarriage. Brandy also shares her miscarriage […]

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